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What's in a (team) name? Childish laughter

Posted Monday, May 19, 2008

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I’ve been watching a lot of basketball lately, and it’s made me think: First, that there aren’t enough baseball games being televised and, second, about the odd team names that exist in all professional sports.

It isn’t a new thing, of course. There have always been odd team names. Look at the Cleveland Browns—for years, every time I saw that football team’s name, I’d think “Brown what?” I decided they must have been named after brown bears, and hadn’t been able to use “Bears” because Chicago got there first.

Turns out, a fan contest named the team “Brown Bombers,” after then-heavyweight champion Joe Louis. It probably got shortened by headline writers, who chose Browns instead of Bombers to save one more letter in those days before electronic pagination.

My first thought, though, that they were named after brown bears, isn’t far-fetched at all. Bears are really popular in major league sports: There are Bears, Cubs, Grizzlies, Bruins. Maybe more, but those are the bear-related names I can think of off the top of my addled head.

There are no Pandas or Koalas, that I know of. Probably because those bears don’t look like the kind that would disembowel and consume you. In actuality, I believe a giant panda could, and would, gleefully maul you to death, and a wild koala would be more than happy to slash and bite you very badly. But there’s perception to consider, when you’re naming a professional sports team.

That’s why the list of bear-named teams will never include the Teddies, despite the wonderful possibilities that name would bring. Think of it: The mascot could wear a giant plush Theodore Roosevelt head; there would be a section of female fans dressed in the lingerie called “teddies.” Good TV.

Feel free, major league sports.

We tend to name teams after what we admire for speed, strength, intelligence—That’s why Native Americans shouldn’t be too upset over names like Braves, Chiefs and Indians. What they should be upset about is the idiotic, dated, racist cartoon drawing used as the Indians logo. And the Redskins. Those are offensive.

The other thing we like to name teams for, is regional landmarks or events. Astros and Rockets are both good names, I think, for Space City teams. Texans is safe, but unimaginative. You can’t blame them—by the time they named that new team, a lot of the best “Texas” names were taken—Rangers, Mavericks, Cowboys. Even Spurs, which isn’t that great, if you ask me. Why not the Lassos? Pardon me while I laugh hysterically for a moment.

When our firstborn was very small, he overheard either Micheal or I, probably both of us, calling someone a name you don’t really want your small child to repeat, and which your small child will invariably repeat. Fortunately, he couldn’t pronounce that word, and no one but us understood why he sometimes called other kids “lassos.” It would be a great team name. Just a little more hysterical laughter—I’m a very childish person.

While I’m communicating with my inner brat, let me just mention in passing that Hunter Pence, who is a very good baseball player and rapidly becoming one of my favorite Astros, nevertheless has a name that sounds like “underpants” when announcers say it. This causes me to laugh. Sometimes announcers use the last name of Albert Pujols in sentences that send me into uncontrollable fits of laughter. Hearing Hidayet Turkoglu’s name often causes me to chant, “Turkaloo, Turkaloo, Turkaloo”—it’s that much fun to say.

I told you—childish.

Anyway, back to naming teams after landmarks or events—this can backfire. Now Utah has Jazz, which is nonsensical, and New Orleans has Hornets, which has historic significance but not for New Orleans, and Charlotte, I guess, has squat. They should consider that, when they get another NBA team—Charlotte Squat.

Team names are usually nouns. Mostly common nouns. Mostly concrete nouns, although lately there’s been a trend toward using abstract nouns, like Heat and Magic. This causes problems. You can say “Yao Ming is a Rocket,” and feel OK about it. But can you say “Dwyane Wade is a Heat”? I don’t think so. “Dwyane Wade is in Heat” sounds worse, although it makes me laugh. Childishly.

Of course, this is mostly only a problem for sports announcers, who seem unconcerned about forming ludicrous sentences.

All professional sports are constantly expanding, and the teams move from here to there and (sometimes) change their names. So I have some ideas they can use:

Humidity. In the NBA, this would have the advantage several times a year of lending itself to the hackneyed clichés sports headline writers adore: “It’s not the Heat, it’s the Humidity!”

Precious. Like the “Boy Named Sue,” this team name might cause its members to be some of the surliest, meanest players in their field. Plus, you could get this whole Tolkien thing going among the fans, you know?

Rain. Oh, just imagine the headline wordplay: “Rain washes Sox,” “Rain cools Heat,” “Heavy Rain falls on Rockies.” It’s a headline writer’s dream:

I bet I could come up with some more. All you professional sports team owners out there, just say the word.

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