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Toys that poop
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Toys that poop
  The presence of Grandboy Ian in the Last Homely House means we’ve been watching a lot of cartoons lately. Watching a lot of ‘toons means watching a lot of commercials for kids’ toys, especially around Christmas. And I’ve got a couple of questions for toy developers, manufacturers and marketers.  What makes you think body waste is so keen? Have you never had children? As the mother of two boys who potty-trained many years ago, and as primary caretaker for a 3-year-old who is almost, but not quite, potty-trained now, I can tell you unequivocally that dealing with someone else’s body waste is not jolly fun. “Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo” is being marketed this Christmas with the deadly precision of a military incursion. “She eats and poops like a real baby!” the ads burble. “Feed her with her special food, then get ready to change her diaper!” Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo also utters “20 fun phrases,” one of which is, “Uh-oh, I made a stinky.” Great. The doll consumes, excretes and is aware when it has excreted – if it could reproduce, it could be a sentient life form. I bet they’re working on that.  My first concern is that this doll is being marketed to little girls – you don’t see any G.I. Joes or superhero action figures that soil themselves. So changing dirty diapers is supposed to be fun, but only for girls, huh?  A secondary concern is, if Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo is old enough to speak clearly and know that she stinks, shouldn’t she be going potty? The little girls at whom the Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo ads are aimed may find themselves 20 years from now, fighting down dry heaves as they change a real diaper and thinking, “I thought this was supposed to be cute, and fun.”  I repeat: Dealing with other peoples’ body waste is not jolly fun. It’s something you do with as much grace as you can summon, while waiting and hoping for the day you don’t have to anymore. And what about all those precious, pristine princess dolls and toys that are also the rage? How do you reconcile those two trends? Do the immaculately coiffed and painted princesses simply melt with ecstasy when given the opportunity to change a dirty diaper? Now, let’s move on to the fake electronic animals, starting with Zhu Zhu Pets. Zhu Zhu Pets are wildly popular this Christmas – so wildly that many online stores list them as “out of stock.” This despite the fact that “Mister Squiggles,” the brown Zhu Zhu Pet, was found to have a too-high content of antimony by one consumer safety group (there’s been no recall).  An aside: I’m not sure of how “antimony” is pronounced, but if it’s pronounced “anti-money,” I’m fearful there may be a high concentration of it in our house, as well as in Mr. Squiggles. Zhu Zhu Pets are meant to be electronic hamsters. Here’s one concern: The “Zhu Zhu Pet Funhouse” with one Zhu Zhu Pet is $110. A Zhu Zhu bed and blanket is another $20, and there must be about a hundred add-ons (all shown in the commercials, of course) that sell for $20 and up, each.  Zhu Zhu Pets are not blatantly just for girls – there is a boy in one of the ads. I guess that’s because Zhu Zhu Pets don’t soil their cages and have to be cleaned up constantly, which we all know is princess’ work. Then there’s the Furreal Friends line, beginning with what Hasbro obviously sees at its market leader: Lulu My Cuddlin Kitty Cat. Besides teaching children to drop the “g” from the ends of words, this electronic cat senses movement, and meows and purrs and opens and closes its eyes. All our cats do that. I’m just saying. There’s a long line of Furreal Friends animals that includes Cuddle Chimp. I presume that after the headlines made in February when a woman’s pet chimp of 15 years brutally mauled her best friend, the Cuddle Chimp comes with a guarantee that it won’t bite off your kid’s hands or rip their faces off.  Then there’s the Furreal Friend Luv Cub Panda With Newborn. Everyone thinks giant pandas are cute. They are cute. They’re also extremely large, wild animals who would probably become super-aggressive while protecting a newborn cub, and look really cute while pulling off your limbs and biting your head. Let’s hope kids who get Furreal Friends for Christmas don’t ever meet a real chimp or panda – I bet squealing, “Oh, it’s so cute,” and running at them with your arms outspread triggers their instinctive desire to chew you like jerky. Cutely. Well, I’m sure millions of little kids will get electronic toys that walk and make noise and messes for Christmas. All I’m saying is, choose wisely. You’re gonna have to live with it for at least a couple of hours Christmas morning.  |
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