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My kingdom for a column
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My kingdom for a column
  I’ve been having a lot of trouble coming up with stuff to write about lately. A lot of trouble. So much trouble, I resorted today to asking my family for suggestions. “What did all the columnists at the Post and Chronicle do when they ran out of ideas?” Micheal asked. “Oh, yeah,” I thought, and began casting my mind back to my major metro days. Yep, I remember what those columnists did when deadline was just days away and they couldn’t think of a “good one.”  They swarmed out of their glass offices and into the newsroom, where they darted from desk to desk, bothering those of us without offices who were working feverishly on real stories, with deadlines that were hours away, not days. You knew a columnist was really, really dry when he or she asked you to lunch, despite not knowing your name and never having spoken to you before.  I was always a popular target for dried-up columnists in those days. The police beat, they reasoned, must be chock full o’ column fodder. The conversations would go something like this: “Hey, uh, Sharon, it’s (Big Important Columnist). Anything interesting happen on the beat lately?” “Oh, sure, you shoulda seen this shotgun killing I just got back from, we were calling him ‘The Amazing 40 Foot Man’ because … Hello?” Or maybe it would be like: “Hey, I wondered if you’d like to have lunch.” “With you?”  “Yes.” “OK, come on over.” “To the police station?” “No, I’m at this murder scene out on the Beltway. But one of the photographers picked up some pimento cheese sandwiches on the way and it really doesn’t smell that bad, so … Hello?” After a while, they quit calling me.  If I had a roomful of sweating reporters chained to desks available, I might try that approach to coming up with column ideas. Alas, all I have is my family. The youngest son suggested I make this week’s column Ionic. The eldest son left the house on important errands.  The toddler, who may or may not have had any idea what I asked, answered, “tookie.” Not sure I can get a whole column out of cookies. Maybe I’ll try it another time. Like next week.  During this past week, I have seized upon quiet moments (of which there are very few) to sit and stare at my computer, to see if anything happens. What generally happens is, I start playing “Mahjong Titans.” Not sure I can get a whole column out of that, either, but it’s another possibility for next week.  This, I suppose, is my punishment. All those years I made fun of columnists and their little problems and now here I am, sad and idea-less and … Hey! I just wrote a whole column about not being able to think of an idea for a column. In your face, columnists.  |
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