I have no opinion about that

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I have no opinion about that

By S.K. Bardwell
Posted Monday, May 5, 2008

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Here I am again, writing my weekly column. In 30-plus years of journalism, I never thought I’d come to this. Just the word “columnist” causes a sensation in my jaw that feels a lot like I chewed up several empty soup cans.

When I think the word “columnist,” I recall a young intern at the Chronicle who, on being informed that only about 60 percent of the words she used in a news story were spelled correctly, shrugged and smiled brightly and said, “Oh well, I don’t plan to write news anyway—I’m going to be a columnist.”

Then I get that can-chewing feeling again.

“Columnist,” to a newswriter, means a writer who doesn’t have to play by the normal rules of journalism (although correct spelling is encouraged). A writer who doesn’t have to adhere strictly to the facts. A writer who is not only allowed to have opinions, but to inflict them on others. A writer who sits in the air-conditioned office drinking five-dollar coffees and whining about a deadline that’s two days away while a newswriter making only half what the columnist earns stands in the sun for six hours at a SWAT scene on a 102-degree day, wondering whether she will succumb first to heat stroke, end-stage renal failure, or the urge to march in there and put an end to the standoff herself.

The real words used by newswriters to describe columnists would make your hair smoke. Let’s leave it at that.

My intolerance of columnists is only one of many scars a career in journalism inflicted on me. Others include wildly inappropriate humor; a suspicious streak that runs so deep, you’d play hell giving me money without undergoing extensive questioning; and, during the 13 years I spent on the police beat in Houston, grave difficulty making dinner conversation that didn’t cause others to make funny noises and leave the table.

I also suffer from fallen arches and a deep-seated fear of exclamation points. Most tragically, I lost the ability to voice opinions. I can still form opinions—I just don’t like people seeing them. My opinions are like my underwear: they’re my own business and no one else’s.

I always make sure to have clean opinions, in case I’m in an accident.

But you don’t have to have an opinion to have a column. There are lots of different kinds of columns. There’s the “expert” column, where writers with some knowledge of high finance, health care or automotive repairs presume to solve your difficulties with money, medicine or minivans. Some of these are helpful. If the author’s credentials are just a journalism degree, I doubt their expertise. If they happen to be stock traders, doctors or mechanics, I have to wonder why they’re not making a living doing that.

There’s the news analysis column, wherein a columnist gives you their insight into some current event. This is usually done by reading a story that a newswriter actually left the office to cover, and involves a great many phone calls to the newswriter, who is desperately trying to make deadline with three completely unrelated stories about more current current events. I was once ordered to go to lunch with one of the Chron’s columnists, because he “needed to hear some real news stories, to get ideas.” I suggested he go with me to a homicide scene, rather than lunch, but there was this new restaurant he wanted to try, and his deadline was only three days away, so he really didn’t have time.

There’s the criticism column, where a writer who probably wanted to be an artist of some sort but couldn’t make a living at it, tells you whether some artist’s performance was good or not, so you don’t have to go see it yourself.

There are political columns, where a columnist purports to tell you why politicians are doing whatever they do. Consider that their effectiveness relies on getting along with at least some of the politicians. An interesting note: Political columnists get the most free meals of any, except perhaps sports columnists.

Then there’s the opinion column. These columnists’ jobs involve picking a subject—any subject—and either viewing it with alarm, or praising it to the skies. The ones who used to be newswriters often have difficulty adjusting to the concept of taking sides, and end up writing “hand jobs”—pieces that say “on one hand” and “on the other hand,” and fail to take a stance at all. Or they may resort to having opinions on subjects like traffic accidents (against) or drinkable water (for).

There are good reasons newswriters avoid opinions. Say you’re a police beat reporter, and in your spare time you pen an earnest opinion piece denouncing domestic violence. That’s innocent enough—I mean, who’s going to take a stand in support of domestic violence? So you write that domestic violence is epidemic, life- and family-shattering, and too often ignored, underreported and under-prosecuted. Then you have to cover another story where someone is dead and their spouse, who’s on record as having been abusive, is suspected, but claims innocence. See the problem now? Maybe you’re sure you can write about it fairly, but will readers perceive that you’re covering it fairly, given the strong feelings you expressed earlier on the subject?

For a newswriter, having your opinion exposed is like getting into an accident on the day you’re wearing those hideous, graying nylon things with the elastic out of one leg.

A lifetime ago I was on the staff of the Facts when an edict was issued that a weekly column be added. All the newswriters had to write one every six weeks or so. There was a storm of protest, chiefly led by Jeff Brown and myself, and met with suggestions that newswriters who didn’t wish to write the required columns might look for work elsewhere. So we wrote, which was what we did best, and complained bitterly, which was second on our skill list.

Jeff worked hard on his first column, and turned it in right on deadline. It was about door jambs. It took up the issues of people who aren’t carpenters often thinking a door jamb is a door stop, rather than a vertical support; and of the prevalent misspelling of jamb as “jam,” even among carpenters. He delved into the Old French origin of the word, and opined the replacement of the word with the less elegant term, “side post.” It was a brilliant column, thoughtful and incisive.

It was never published. Afterward, every time Jeff was asked to contribute to the weekly column pool, he’d point out that they had never published the first one he’d written. Eventually they didn’t ask him to write columns anymore.

I lacked Jeff’s fortitude. I think the kids, house payment and car payment dulled my sense of moral outrage somewhat. I was a good soldier and marched where I was told, taking refuge in humor. I wrote funny columns that and which could never, ever be construed as opinions.